The Roots of Confidence

Welcome to my budding definition of Confidence that is rooted in decades of nurturing confidence in myself and others!

Confidence stems from a harmonious, connected relationship with oneself, accepting oneself without shame or unhealthy criticism, and embodying authenticity and integrity. It requires one to be attuned to all felt senses, emotions, instincts, intuition, and intellect, be aware of one's energy—whether grounded or activated- and trust oneself in any situation that unfolds. 

Standing in the way of Confidence are limiting beliefs, imposter syndrome, and self-sabotage, which often plague us and cause us to hinder our own progress, shrink back, doubt ourselves, and worry about…well...everything.  Personally, I have faced these roadblocks to Confidence and observed them with others throughout my corporate journey and subsequently as an executive coach. We yearn for acceptance, understanding, appreciation, and support—to feel valued and believed in, with the assurance that someone has our back. Ultimately, our desire is to express and embody our truest selves, share our unique gifts, and make meaningful contributions that stoke our fire within.

Despite my background as a research scientist, the formula for confidence has been elusive. 

You've likely heard various strategies, from "fake it until you make it” and "embrace the fear and just do it” to techniques like bathroom power poses. All may work to varying degrees. You may have tried numerous methods to build your confidence, including acquiring more skills, deepening your expertise, striving for perfection, working harder, grabbing someone else's coattails, and so on. Yes, knowledge, practice, and experience contribute to growing your confidence. As Steve and Seth Porges state in their book “Our Polyvagal World,” which I highly recommend, “Public speaking needs to be practiced and perfected. Not just to get good at it, but also to put our bodies through the sort of immersion therapy that will teach us that we aren’t actually in danger and that we don’t actually need to revert to our defensive physiological states.”  And you may have heard about the "10,000-hour rule” to master a skill presented by Malcolm Gladwell in his book “Outliers.” Indeed, there is validity behind building your confidence, one presentation or one scary experience at a time.

Upon reflection of my own confidence journey, I realized that the boost to my confidence was nurtured slowly through self-discovery, self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-trust while uncovering who I really am. Honestly, who I have always been at my core, deep down, but lost touch with, as I subconsciously traded my authenticity early in life for attachment, connection, usefulness, achievement, security, love, belonging, etc. My confidence journey has required me to consciously show up as authentically as possible in every moment and with each small choice. I also had to embrace all parts of me while learning new ways of communicating and relating with others. I had to get out of my head and into my body, shifting from my Head-Down Operating System to cultivating my Body-Up Attunement & Wisdom System for living most authentic and alive!

This required healing and addressing coping patterns that no longer served me while learning new skills like presence, attunement, and self-trust. From my confidence journey, I share with you my Roots of Confidence: Awareness, Acceptance, Alignment, Authenticity, and Attunement. These roots offer nutrients for cultivating confidence from within and fostering meaningful connections with ourselves and others. 

The Roots of Confidence

AWARENESS: increase your ability to notice and observe without judgment to expand your awareness, fueling all possibilities for change.  New awareness creates new choice points, leading to even small shifts, which can have a huge impact over time. Start by becoming a "keen observer of self,” as taught on the first day of my Georgetown leadership coach training in 2015. 

ACCEPTANCE: accept yourself as you are today, your light and darkness, and where you are on your journey while accepting others and life as they are, which is frequently not as you wish they would be. 

ALIGNMENT: align your inner world with your outer world, your values, gifts, and desires, and your authenticity with your words, actions, and choices. One moment, one choice at a time, creates your future. Start now in this moment.

AUTHENTICITY: lean into your courage to get-to-know and be who you truly are and to speak and live your truth without apology or shame

ATTUNEMENT: bring into awareness and harmony yourself, others, your surroundings, and nature through your felt senses, emotions, energy, spirituality, physical being, instincts, and intuition coupled with your intellect. Attune to the interconnection of all. 

The Roots of Confidence grow confidence from within to create a sturdy inner system, less susceptible to the waves of fear, doubt, or worry. A confident person might feel fear, pause to discern if it is from danger or discomfort, and choose to respond more effectively. By cultivating a strong relationship with ourselves, we are better equipped to maintain and regain stability when facing challenges. When we interact with others from this place of inner strength, it is powerful, referring to the Duey Freeman definition of power, which is our ability to influence and be influenced while in relationship with another being. True confidence embodies this power and fosters healthy connections without sacrificing our authenticity or abandoning ourselves and without requiring that of others.  

Recently, someone shared with me how mesmerized and spellbound they felt in my presence. I humbly received this as a compliment and testament to my confidence and groundedness that I have slowly grown and continue to deepen. I wish I had a real magic wand—I'd cast a Confidence Spell on everyone. Imagine if we could all break free from self-imposed barriers, reconnect with ourselves and each other, and boldly unleash our authentic, audacious selves into the world. Together, we could start a massive wave of meaningful unifying existences! 

What's your definition of confidence? Do these Roots of Confidence ring true for you? What’s missing? What does your confidence journey look like? Respond and let me know. I would love to hear about your confidence journeys and definitions!